Let your husband know that you’d like to know how he feels. You may find it helpful to set aside some time on a regular basis in which you both talk about how you’ve been feeling. Don’t judge your husband over how he feels, and don’t jump to any conclusions based on what he tells you. You want to create a situation where your husband will feel safe discussing his feelings with you, and in order to feel safe he needs to know that you won’t get upset or judge him for what he says.
Determine if your husband needs change (as in, feeling stuck in a rut or feeling unsatisfied with some aspect of the relationship), understanding (more communication, more of a willingness to see an issue from his perspective), or greater compatibility (more intimacy, more time spent together). These are three important keys in a successful and supportive relationship. [2] X Research source
If your husband needs change, work with him to find a solution. Try breaking out of your collective routines. Do something different together, like taking a vacation or learning a new hobby together. If your husband needs understanding, spend more time talking with one another. Listen to how he feels and offer him supportive feedback. If your husband needs greater compatibility, try to take more of an interest in his hobbies, and ask him to do the same with your interests. Work on spending more time together, and try to be more intimate with one another.
Be an active listener. Process what your husband is saying instead of preparing your response before he is finished speaking. Encourage him to continue by making eye contact, nodding your head, and asking questions. [6] X Research source Avoid critiquing your husband’s feelings. Help him feel comfortable sharing his feelings without fearing that you will judge him or correct him. [7] X Research source Talk about any behaviors that you or your spouse engage in that affect your relationship. You may want to initiate the conversation by asking if there’s anything you could be doing differently, and then gently telling your husband if there are things he could be doing differently as well. [8] X Research source Try to actively address any issues that are brought up, and ask your husband to do the same. [9] X Research source
Clear and direct communication is when you don’t avoid saying what needs to be said. It can seem too blunt to some people, but some experts believe it is the healthiest form of communication. Try telling each other exactly how you feel, with no sugarcoating. Clear and indirect communication clearly communicates the basic message, but may not direct that message at the appropriate person. An example of clear and indirect communication would be saying that a certain behavior bothers you, but without directly addressing the intended target. In this case you or your husband may need to be more direct. Masked and direct communication directs communication to the appropriate person, but without being clear on what is actually being communicated. An example of masked and direct communication would be telling someone that certain behaviors can be upsetting, without directly saying that the intended target has engaged in that behavior. Again, practicing directness can help. Masked and indirect communication obscures both the message and the intended target of criticism. This is considered a highly unhealthy method of communication. If this sounds like you or your husband, you should take pains to be more honest with each other. Try writing down what you want to say as a way to clarify your feelings before expressing yourselves to each other.
Use “I” statements. Instead of beginning a sentence with “you,” which can sound accusatory and often makes the other person defensive, use “I. " So, instead of “You’re wrong,” you say: “I disagree. " Other “I” statements include: “I feel,” “I need,” “I would like. " Talk about the behavior, not about your husband. Instead of saying, “You look like a slob,” ask: “Did you know that shirt has a mustard stain on the front?” This avoids judgement and instead focuses on the facts. Pay attention to tone and volume. How you speak is as important as what you say. Don’t scream and shout or speak in a whisper. Speak with a firm voice at a normal, conversational volume. [11] X Research source Respond, but don’t react. [12] X Research source If you find that you are becoming angry and defensive, or your husband is, take a break from the discussion. Agree on a time to return to the issue once you’ve calmed down, and make sure you follow through and finish the discussion. Remember: being assertive is not the same as being aggressive. Practice in low-risk situations. [13] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source If you are afraid to assert yourself or nervous about larger conflicts, try starting small (like speaking up if he says the vacuum is in the garage but you know it is in the closet). If it is not easy to do this with your husband, find someone (like a friend or family member) with whom you feel comfortable enough to disagree.
Make clear requests. Instead of inviting your husband to say “no” in response to questions like “Would you mind. . . ?”, make your needs clear by asking “Will you please. . . ?” The later is respectful, and he can still say no if he chooses, but you are no longer asking permission to have needs. [15] X Research source
Tell your husband reassuring things, like “I appreciate the nice things you do for me,” or “I’m so glad and thankful that you are in my life. “[17] X Research source
Try having a weekly date night. You can set aside one night each week to go out for dinner and see a movie. Or bring the date night home, if you prefer, and cook a meal together. [19] X Research source
You can also surprise each other by trying new things together. Studies show that doing new things with a partner releases oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone”. [21] X Research source Try taking a class together or even just going to a new restaurant together. [22] X Research source
Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and walking arm-in-arm are all ways you can enjoy intimacy on a daily basis with your husband. [24] X Research source Find time to foster intimacy by snuggling together while watching TV or movies and holding hands while running errands. Once you make the effort to be more intimate, you’ll most likely begin to see more and more ways to be intimate with one another.
Go out dancing together, if you and your husband enjoy dancing. It’s fun, energetic, and may help remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. Have a romantic dinner together. You can go out to your favorite restaurant, or stay in and have an intimate meal at home.
Once you’ve planned your dream vacation, start working towards making it a reality.
If you aren’t a typically outdoorsy couple, try going for a hike together, or a simple picnic outdoors. If you normally stay in on the weekends, try doing something different together. You can go on a double date with other couple-friends, or host a party and invite people you haven’t seen in a long time. No matter what you choose, it’s important that you do new things together from time to time. That doesn’t mean you have to scrap what’s comfortable. Just change things up every once in a while.
